What Up Hebrew?

When baby boys are 8 days old, they are circumcised. To shut them up from crying, we stick a cotton ball dipped in wine. So instead of the boys going around saying I got my foreskin chopped off of me at my Bris they say, I got drunk at my Bris. That baby is indeed, Emma’s little Matzah Ball. However, baby girls will forever be a Bundle of Oy.

Got Matzah? Matzah is flat unleavened bread that is symbolic due to the fact that it was a big deal during the escape of exile. So generally speaking, Matzah is a big Jewish symbol. You can spell it a few different ways, it doesn’t matter how you spell it as long as it’s baked for under 18 seconds. So if someone ever tells you, Comfort me with Matzah balls, just do it. Generally speaking, if a man tells you, “I got Huge Matzah Balls” you better lick [his] Matzah balls.

Jews like food, especially if it’s Kosher. So when you get a chance, Challah back at some Challah bread. Most Israeli’s will walk around your neighborhood asking if you Got Falafel?, because that’s one thing they can’t live with out. Did you know they make hummus out of Hamas? If you are an American Jew however, you will be raised to believe that it is not falafel and hummus you should be eating… You will be told that only real men eat gifilte fish. Chop Jewey is pretty good too. Jews live life with one motto, and of course it all connects to food… They say, if life gives you potatoes, make latkes. It’s funny when guys make up their own slogans to get some. They always refer it to food (of course). They say things like, Go ahead, it’s Kosher or Want to taste my Hebrew national hot dog? It’s a little too much.

Jews like to be known as Jews. They put it out there, wear huge star of Davids and all sorts of other things. They also wear couture that states things like, FBI: Full Blooded Israeli, Jew-ish, Hebrew Hottie, Klutz Jew, Jew Crew, Ninijew, Jew-Tang, Jew Unit, Super Jew, Kosher Meat, Jewtilicious, Jewwannabe, Property of Hashem, and my favorite one, Shmuck. The girls typically state things like, JAP:Jewish American Princess, JIP: Jewish Israeli Princess, I <3 Jewish Boys (and they get their Jew-boy toys the I <3 Jewish Girls ones) and I ain’t no Challack Back Girl. They also enjoy stating facts on their wear such as Jewish Slut, Property of an XXL Jewish Guy, Try a Jewish Girl, Save a Catholic, Ride a Jew and Parental Advisory: Hot Jewish Girl.

Every Jew needs a rabbi. Trust me, I’m a Rabbi. So typically one question you will always hear is, Who’s your Rabbi? Typically it’s followed with, Have you done a mitzvah today? Good deeds are the glue that stick the Jews together. If you haven’t done one, just avoid the question with another question… Jew talkin’ to me? And If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish. Just don’t piss anyone off. You know it’s a problem if someone starts yelling, Common, Light my Menorah! Anyhow… Have you hugged a Rabbi today?

To end I’d like to say that Shicksah’s are for practice. I <3 Shicksahs even though their Savior is a Jewish Dude. We’re the originals because Moses is our Homeboy. What would Moses Do? He’s probably just listen to Guns and Moses or Jew-Unit. Oy Friggin’ Vey… Oh, did you know that Chicks dig the Jew Fro ? Did you also know that most Jews drink their gin and tnookiah and smoke their marijuannkah… But they don’t roll on Shabbos. *Credits to Café Press Jewish T-shirt Slogans