A letter

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

It is my opinion that you are a man of great talents and handsome good looks. I see the way that the women look at you and I ask, ‘Why, God, why not me?’ But He has His plans, and honestly, He didn’t do bad by me. I’ve got my health, of course, and my Miriam; I’ve got my Datsun- well I don’t actually have it but I’m sure I will one day. No, the Lord didn’t make me a knockout hunk like you, but I’ve got my strong suits. I write a good letter, as I’m sure you’re discovering. You probably don’t get a lot of captivating fan mail, and I’m always happy to mix things up a little by providing you with some popping prose, dazzling diction, and a nice lexicon. But that’s neither here nor there. I just wanted to tell you that I admire your work very much, particularly in The Family Stone and Failure to Launch. Do you have to work out much to get such nice muscles like that? Oh, and another thing. I wanted to ask you who’s your dentist? I see that you have such a great smile, really a dashing smile, and your teeth are perfectly straight and nice, it must take a lot of upkeep to take care of a smile like that. You know my brother-in-law has a practice in Canarsie, and if I put in a good word for you, I’m sure he can take you at a discount. It’s just something to think about. Why pay so much for the fancy celebrity dentists, you know they are just trying to swindle you people. ‘You people’ - I’m sorry to refer to movie stars in that way, I know it’s not politically correct these days and all. I’m not prejudiced, there were a lot of Jews in showbusiness at one time, you know. In fact, my cousin used to be good friends with Mayim Bialik, so in a way, celebrities are in the family.
In any case, I was just writing as a fan of the cinema, I love your work, and maybe, if you had the time one day, we could sit down for a cup of coffee in the city or something, or even go to dinner somewhere. I’m sure you know all the swankiest places to go and it’s been a long time that you’ve been served by the best gourmet chefs, but maybe, if you want, I’m not putting any pressure on you or anything, it’s OK to say no – it’s not rude – but maybe you’d like to come over to the house for dinner one night and we could chat, tell some stories about our careers- you can tell me about Hollywood and I’ll tell you all about being an insurance adjuster. I’m kidding, of course! I would never bore you with such humdrum prattle as the insurance business. But seriously, you should think about coming over, Miriam makes the best pot roast you’ve ever tasted and I’m sure you could do with some nice home cooking. You could even bring a date, you know, and we could play charades or- what’s that game Miriam likes? Scrabble. That’s the one. I’ll bet you’re great at scrabble, what with all the words and talking in the scripts you read every day. So, nu, drop me a line and we can set something up. I wait patiently for your response.
Your fan,

Yaakov Schwartz

P.S. I spoke to Bernie Madoff the other day and he told me that your investments were OK, he’s got them in a secure account so you have nothing to worry about. Just kidding! That momzer ran away with all our money and he’s going to burn in hell. Talk to you soon.