In Defense of English

If you are in the majority of Americans, you probably sound like an idiot, and you almost certainly write like one. Somewhere between instant messenger and text messaging we have lost our way. Charles Dickens and other dead writer guys are rolling in their graves because you cannot use an apostrophe, a comma, simple words, or the plural form. Just think of the poor sweater vested English teachers who tried to teach you proper English while you rolled your eyes and called Beowulf a stupid monster story when in reality he was one bad ass Stone Age dude. They have devoted their entire lives to the art of the English language, and yet you still have the vocabulary equivalent to a sixteen-year-old girl from juvenile detention. So like, listen up, yo. Shit’s about to get, like, mad interesting. (When it’s on paper can’t you see how awful it is?)

It is a statistical fact that 99% of English language users only use apostrophes when they are unnecessary. For example, they replayed the Mets 1986 World Series on television the other day, and some bonehead in the crowd held this sign: “Lets go Met’s!” In this sentence, the Mets do not in fact own anything. They are a plural entity thus not requiring an apostrophe. ‘Lets’ is not plural. It is a contraction, and yet for some reason the apostrophe is nowhere to be found.

Speaking of apostrophes, remember the comma? It looks like the apostrophe but upside down, flipped around, and on the ground. You, probably, know, it, as, the, thing, you, use, too, much or that thing which you decide never to use and in the process make teachers employers fellow peers and any audience you hope to have wince because their eyeballs are going to fall out of their skull and they are going to lose their breath. Here’s the deal. Commas are used in lists: I bought apples, oranges, and pears. (The official grammar people change their mind about every other second about whether or not you need a comma before the ‘and’ so that’s your choice.) Commas are also used in compound sentences: Yesterday we went to the store, and then I gave birth to a Martian.

It’s not just apostrophes and commas. If English teachers had a penny for every ‘alot’ they read in student writing, there wouldn’t be any English teachers left. They’d all be in South Beach drinking wine and reading As I Lay Dying. So do them a favor and either start giving them a penny every time you write like an idiot, or separate the two words.

Another equally aggravating and idiotic mistake is the confusion between ‘their’ and ‘there.’ The former refers to possession, as in a group of people, and the latter refers to a place. Their house is beautiful. The house is over there on 123rd Street. Get it? Good.

Oh, good. Pizza tastes good. Those jeans look good on you. But you? You are well. You are feeling well; you are doing well, the jeans fit well, etc. You are not good. Good is for degenerates who hold signs saying “Lets go Met’s!” at sports games.

Another way to avoid sounding like a moron is stop trying to pluralize words which are already plural. Lazy Americans should be able to appreciate that these words are already doing the work! Children, women, men: not childrens, womens, mens. And don’t make singular words which can never refer to more than one plural. ‘Mines’ is not a word. If your attempt is to express possession, you are failing miserably. See: “That’s my dog” or “That dog is mine.” It’s not “Mines dog.” Mines refer to those places they get coal.

No one is perfect. Even Grammar Queens have occasional mishaps. Certainly no one expects you know whether to use ‘toward’ or ‘towards.’ It’s one of those words which differs between standard British and American English and keeps grammar nerds up at night. But you can avoid looking and sounding like a complete moron if you stop committing grammatical suicide. Like, okay?