Useful Observations

I was a freshman in high school, about 14 years old, when I became witness to one of many instances of where my older brother had to dig up an excuse from out of his ass in order for him not to have gotten caught cheating by his girlfriend(s). At that age, I was very into “Dawson’s Creek” and really thought I will also find my “Dawson” in high school. How stupid was I? Then again, I can’t possibly be that stupid, for I have used these events as useful observations towards life, men and their stupidity. I’m 25 years old now and am able to smell an asshole from a mile away.
My brother had just gotten home from school and already the phone started to ring. It was for him, so he took the phone to his room and I can hear him say “No Isabel! Those are all rumors; I would never cheat on you. I SWEAR!!” He continued on for another 10 minutes and finally got off the phone but the phone rang again. It was for him and I heard “No Christine! Isabel doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s not my girlfriend, you are. You’re just falling for rumors; I would never cheat on you. I SWEAR!!” He hung up the phone 5 minutes later and I just looked at him as he went to the fridge for some orange juice. That’s when he looked at me and said something I will never forget, “That’s what I get for dating 2 girls from the same damn school.”
He knew he was entering dangerous waters if he continued seeing both girls from that school so he dumped Christine first, he just couldn’t let Isabel go…..YET! He finally got the courage to dump Isabel a month later… by phone… in front of me. He told Isabel “It’s not you; it’s just that I’m going through a lot right now ever since my grandmother passed away”. After he hung up the phone, I shook my head and said “Alfonso, Abuelita Maria died three years ago! We only met her once and weren’t even that close to her” and he said “Well, she doesn’t know that.”
I can go on and on with stories of the “Casanova” of my brother. I always wondered how my brother would come up with all of his excuses, strategies, etc. It had to have come from somewhere. Then after conversing with my uncle it dawned on me that all of this was hereditary. I have not met all the men of the universe, so I can’t say that all men are the same. But I have met every male in my family, and I can vouch that this male way of being is hereditary.
My uncle has had three marriages with three children from each wife. Yes, that’s nine children all together. I still haven’t met all of my cousins…..from that particular uncle. I asked this uncle how he met his third wife and he told me “I met your aunt at a gathering. I originally was checking out her sister and wanted to ask her to dance with me, but she was with her boyfriend, so I asked her to dance with me instead.” How lucky was she?
Last month my cousin came back home from being deployed to Qatar. I knew before he left that he was in a serious relationship and I was curious to see how being away for 9 months had affected that relationship. He told me that they decided to part ways and that absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. I was driving him home and as I exited the Belt Parkway and got to a red light, I turned to my cousin and uttered these words: “Cuz, you’ve been away for 9 months. Whatever girl you meet from now on, just tap that and leave it.” After I said these words, I wondered if the females in my family can inherit this mannerism too, for I think I did.