On Proper Oreo-Cookie Consumption

Sofy Dzhanashvili
02/05/09
English 211W- Essay #1
Professor Henkle


On Proper Oreo-Cookie Consumption


While the Oreo cookie has become a cultural icon in most American homes, too little attention has been paid its proper method of consumption. Eating an Oreo is so much more than a skill; it is an art. Therefore, it should be approached with much sensitivity. Many believe themselves to have mastered this art of eating cookies, particularly that of Oreo-cookie consumption, but they will find themselves to be highly mistaken. Such arrogance is not an admirable human trait and those who feel that they will not benefit from some advice should note that they will forever be secretly ostracized and that nobody likes them.
Indeed, the art of Oreo eating has been practiced by young and old alike. Love songs everywhere have been dedicated to the Oreo- for it's crunchy chocolate sides, for its delicate, wedged edges and of course, for its creamy, vanilla center. It best be mentioned that Oreo consumption need not be limited to giggly late-night conversations or fire-place chit-chats. Do not allow stereotypical situations to set these boundaries for you. You are a self-governing person, of course. So do not let any type of commercialized marketing schemes dictate the way you should be consuming your chocolaty-vanilla delights. For once you come across that blue package and open it, the rest is actually not "up to your imagination". Secretly, we are all judging you. There is a right way to eat an Oreo cookie. Prepare yourself for enlightment.
Start off with a warning: do not be misguided by advertising ploys. They are meant to market to an impressionable mass who, under TV-screen hypnosis, spit back behavior with military diligence and wide-eyed enthusiasm. But you, now forewarned of such a trap, will do best by re-evaluating yourself and taking serious issues into your own hands. Remember: dipping the Oreo first will only leave one disappointed later. Pay heed to this warning or learn the hard way, when time has come to separate the two parallel cookie pieces and the moist edges collapse onto struggling fingers. Indeed, it shall crumble into your hands, and nobody likes a flake. This experience may be traumatic and lead to great disillusionment about proper cookie consumption. It may also be noted that, unfortunately, insurance does not cover for needed therapy sessions as a result of such trauma. Do not dip an Oreo into the milk until you have taken at least one bite of crunch. Do not (knock on wood) dip an Oreo into the milk before separating the sides. Do not dip an oreo into the milk until you have evaluated the "consistency" situation. There is no reason to rush into things. Do not listen to those who say "everyone has their own method of eating them." They are liars.
Before the act of consumption, do take time to regard the manner in which you are approaching your package of Oreos. Examine it, smooth your hand across the blue plastic covering and become acquainted with the irresistible treats. Then, when you have that "it" feeling, you are mentally prepared and may open the package, removing one Oreo with your dominant hand. Using the non-dominant hand is ill-advised but still permissible. Then, in order to enjoy one complete bite of chocolate-vanilla goodness, you may take one small bite out of the entire cookie (.25" diameter piece), as to get acquainted with the overall feel of an Oreo. After considering all these warnings, you may go ahead and twist open the Oreo in a counter-clockwise direction. Then, when you feel the tension of the cream has been relieved, you want to pull the two halves apart. You will be left holding one empty chocolate side and one that is covered in vanilla cream. You see, the wonder of an Oreo is in its combination of crunchy and soft; liking it for only its hard chocolate sides is rendering the Oreo to its family counterparts, such as the basic "chocolate chip cookie" or the rough- biting "biscotti". At this point it is proper, and perhaps even necessary, to lick, or even rake the creamy filling off with your teeth, allowing it to dissolve in your mouth. This feeling is often (quite adequately) described as being "heavenly" or "divine". Do take time to enjoy it. Eat the chocolate cookie outside while the creamy filling is still dissolving to mix the flavors back together. Now, the poor cookie half that is devoid of vanilla cream is allowed to be dipped into milk. Such activity is popular, but not as socially accepted as most cookie-eating guidelines. This aside, those people who still cannot resist this temptation will be given permission to engage in such an activity, but not until properly adhering to the rules in the dissertation on how to "Properly-Dunk-an-Oreo-Cookie". In fact, such reading will do wonders for dunkers and non-dunkers alike, as cookie-eating knowledge is never too much knowledge.
Indeed, even if you are in the privacy of your own home, we are assessing every detail of your approach to that tray of black-and-white delights. Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. There are, for example, those who eat the oreo entirely, with no thought, consuming the whole thing at once. This automatically means that you consume life with abandon, you are irresponsible, and that no one should trust you with their children. On the flip side, there are those who consume the Oreo in little feverous nibbles, methodically examing the results of each bite afterwards. Such approach to Oreo-eating is a particularly despised one, for it is then assumed that you live life with caution, never go over the speed-limit and that generally nobody likes you. Then, unfortunately, there are those who only consume the creamy center, leaving all the chocolate crunchy cookie sides back to lay abandoned in the tray. This obviously makes you a person who likes to sugar coat unpleasant experiences, is in total denial about the realities of life and most often has a propensity toward narcotic addiction. If you indeed only consume the center of an Oreo cookie it is best advised to seek counseling immediately. If it is only the cookie-part that you are after, then it is obvious that you enjoy pain. Furthermore, you are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
So no, this is not a light matter. If you had imagined a leisurely afternoon of oreo eating and stress-free television watching then consider this to be a much-needed warning. Do not be misrepresented by you eating mannerisms. We are all judging you.

Further Warnings:
Oreos are tasty, but eating too many may make you sick and obese. It is not recommended you eat your Oreo cookie whole, as you may choke on it.