On Lessons for Girls Who Hope to Become Miss America

Britt Bell

On Lessons for Girls Who Hope to Become Miss America

There are many lessons for girls who hope to become Miss America to heed. Number one: close your legs while sitting, particularly while taking public transportation. This cannot be stressed enough. There is nothing more unbecoming or less feminine than showing your underwear to every commuter and vagrant on the Lexington line. Only savage men leave their legs spread like an eagle’s wings; they, too, would benefit from this sage advice. Take special care not to cross your legs, either, for this will cause the future spider veins your husband will leave you for. Former Miss Americas do not get divorces. If you insist on giving the world a show, make sure your panties are always clean and modest: no exposed cheeks or rhinestones. Sparkles are for evening gowns.

As a girl who hopes to become Miss America matures, she will notice changes in her body. Number two: Always wrap your sanitary napkins in toilet paper packages. Regardless of whether you are in a public restroom, a friend’s bathroom, or the privacy of your own home, for goodness sake take the extra minute to wrap up that pad. You never know when the Doberman pinscher will decide to go fishing around the garbage can and prance into the living room, depositing its contents at someone’s feet. Dogs are like that. Wrapping it up once is not enough. You see, the pink wrapper is a dead give away to what is underneath. This is simply not enough to safeguard a woman’s secrets from unsuspecting males. Men must never know that you have bodily functions. See three: You do not urinate; you do not defecate. Forget you know the words poop and pee. If anything, you have to tinkle.

There are certain words which you must know but are too dirty to say. Four: use condoms, tampons, and abortions whenever you must but never use these words or admit to personal knowledge of them. And, if you are caught acknowledging their existence, be sure to blush. You may want to consider practicing blushing on cue so that you will be prepared if the occasion arises. While in front of the mirror, also recite, “World peace” and freeze your smile.

Girls who hope to become Miss America are expected to be intelligent as well as prudent, but be careful not to seem like an intellectual. There is a difference. Intellectuals, you see, are either librarians or lesbians. The only fame for them is in pornography. If you get naked for money, you will never be more than Miss Alabama. To avoid this fate, adhere to lesson five: Do not read the poetry of Sappho or Dickinson; do not quote Simone de Beauvoir; etc.

Speaking of theory, there is one which appropriates swimsuits for use in aquatic environments. However, it would do you immense good to get the idea of swimming out of your head. Six: Swimsuits are for prancing around stage in front of a live television audience. Miss America does not swim. She especially does not swim in lakes. Lakes are murky and, above all cold, which does not make for becoming photographs (girls who hope to become Miss America should not admit understanding the implication made here about nipples).

These are the rules for Miss America, but you do not seem like the type. You will never be Miss America. Once, you wanted to become President, but the rules are too similar. Certain conflicts arise such as that small patch of cellulite, but the boys (or maybe girls) do not seem to mind. You do pee (one time, lost and slightly hammered in a New Jersey suburb one evening you relieved yourself on the curb, much to the shock of an unsuspecting homeowner taking out the trash). You read serious poetry and even have a ratty copy of “The Second Sex” from your college days hanging around your nightstand. You sing, you scream, by golly you even fuck. But above all, you are never going to be Miss America because you cut your Barbie Doll’s hair when you were seven.