Pet Peevs

Sofy Dzhanashvili
04/23/09
English 211W
Professor Henkle

Pet Peeves

I’ve always had an incredible fear of animals. All of them. I started hyperventilating when a giraffe licked the window of the car when Becca and I went to the drive-through safari in Six Flags. A full-blown episode of crying and shaking. It’s not surprising that it was my window that was chosen to be licked. That is just how it happens.

If one leaves their computer on parents can check the conversation they were having. The process: 1) “Choo is dis boy Michael?!?!?! Vy chee say he like kiss you?” 2) heavy tension fills the bedroom and eye contact is avoided 3) “Leave me alone and let me have my life! Leave me the fuck alone and stop reading my IMs I swear I’m gunna run away I swear I’m gunna run away leavemethefuckalone.” 4) bedroom door is slammed. One may now continue to wallow in self-pity.

It started when I saw my mother being clawed down by my aunt’s enormous 90 lb. Hound, who had a reputation for taking a nice bite out of many house guests. I heard screaming and ran into the TV room where my mom was on the floor and the dog was everywhere everywhere and my uncle was holding the fireplace stick and there was chaos and I was crying and then everything started to spin spin spin around me and then I fainted.

Tinted windows are key. There is a certain color scale at which it is illegal to have a certain type of dark tint. Once the window reaches a somewhat dark gray, one is likely to be pulled over by cops and forced to pay a fine of over $200, which, especially if you and your boyfriend both don’t have jobs, really sucks.

The squirrels on Jewel Ave. are rabid coked-out rodents. I cross the street each time I see one.

If he is not Jewish, don’t introduce him to your parents. This will happen: murder. If not that, than something pretty close. Maybe your father will come down holding a kitchen knife and your (Dominican) boyfriend will drive off and you guys will be forced to continue the relationship in secret like in Romeo and Juliet except neither of you kill yourselves (at least not yet) and it’s not a Shakespearean play and your good at hiding things anyway so it’s the same old usual story.

I don’t find puppies cute. When they get older, they will become wild and unpredictable.