Pain

Westley Chow
April 23, 2009

Pain

01. School
Three papers due today. This sucks. Work out tonight? Yeah, I need to clear my mind. I probably won’t be sleeping tonight. What will it be this time? Coffee and ginkgo, haven’t done that in a while. My body’s aching, especially my neck. My eyes are getting sleepy. Get used to the pain, numb it out. You’ve only finished one paper.

“Why should I want to train you? What is it you seek to do?” I tell her that I’m looking for a way to deal with my pain. This is true. “I can see that on the inside there is pain that you deny.” No, it’s something I’ve learned to manage.

02. Training
The competition is in four weeks. I should be peaking in two. My ribs are bruised, plus I was choked out twice today; my throat hurts. No it doesn’t, get used to the pain. Take tomorrow off? No, my opponent is preparing for a war, so must I. If he comes in unprepared, he’s as good as dead. I’ll take everything he has and make it mine.

“Pain exists in two forms; exterior, that which is caused by forces we can’t control, and interior, which we can. Both though can be managed through will. You must learn the techniques: breathing control, hypnosis, and conditioning.” As she’s telling me this, the skin on the bottom of her feet is being burned off by the blistering coals. Her facial expression remains emotionless. “Does it scar?” I ask. “What pain doesn’t? Pain cannot be overcome, but it can be put in its place; a place where it can work for you.”

03. Work
You’re being written up because you haven’t hit your sales goal in three months. Damn it, balancing school and work is too difficult. I’m waking up at five and coming home at eleven. Get used to the pain; you must be willing to do what others cannot. This is what creates a champion. Should I just single myself out and just work part time? No, don’t show weakness. Endure the pain and stay on course.

This gets more difficult every day, but in truth it’s only as difficult as I allow it to be. If I perceive the task to be impossible, then it will be. To the ones who embrace it, difficulty is meaningless. There are no limits except for the limits I put on myself. I must learn to accept the unacceptable. If I can control the forces on the inside, then limitations will become irrelevant. Pain can be pleasure, and pleasure can be pain.

04. Out
Another drink? Yes, bring more unpredictability to the night. This is bad for me, but I enjoy it. Why do I like destroying myself on the weekends? Just admit it to yourself, your life revolves around pain. You’ve conditioned yourself so that it’s become a colossal motivator. Have I really? It’s true, you’ve cheated death several times. You use no limits as your limit, and no way as your way. Is this normal? What is normal?

“You need to leave. You must be sent away.” Why? “It’s time; you’ve learned what you wanted to haven’t you.” Thank You. “You shouldn’t thank me. I now fear for you. You came asking for help in dealing with your pain, but your pain is beyond my abilities, perhaps yours as well. For your pain is leading you down a path you desire.”