Holden

So I had to go away for a little while again, on account of the fact that I was pretty out of sorts a couple months back. This time, the place was actually all right. The food wasn’t too hot and there weren’t any girls that you would want to neck with, but there wasn’t a single phony in sight, unless you count the doctors. After all, everyone else in that place was nuts, as real as you can get. The doctors didn’t actually want to hear what you said or anything. Mostly they just wanted to hear themselves talk. But a strange thing happened to me this time. The last time I came out here to relax, all I could think about was how crumby everyone was, but in the end I just ended up missing everybody. Even old Stradlater and Ackley. But this time, I did some real thinking. I guess I grew up or something.
In the first place, the only person who came to visit me was my brother D.B. In the past, I was always on him about how he’s prostituting himself, writing for the movies. School in September didn’t work out for me. I went to this Catholic joint on the Upper West Side, since prep school is lousy for me. Anyway, I was still feeling lonely on account of telling things and missing everybody and then having to come out here again. So this time when D.B. came to visit, I actually listened to what he had to say. I found myself listening to a lot of things people said. The doctors were phonies, but it didn’t mean that they didn’t have some valid points to make. For instance they’re always telling me that there’s a difference between hearing and listening, and I really got that this time.
Mostly D.B. talked about writing and how even though he knew it made him a big phony, he couldn’t help but feel proud when people wanted to make his words into movies. I figured that made sense. If I wrote a bunch of great stories with things to say and people noticed, I would want to tell as many people as I could. Writing for the movies didn’t really change D.B. He was still my big brother, and he was a pretty decent guy, coming to visit me even though I was a real snob the last time I was out here. He would always bring me stuff to read and some decent food to eat. We even talked about Allie and how he got leukemia, and about that goddamn baseball glove with the writing on it. We even talked about that. To tell you the truth, it felt good to talk about that kind of stuff, and it made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t felt since I was about ten years old or something.
When I get out of here in a couple weeks, I’m going to be on my game. I’ve missed a lot of school. I don’t think I’m going to really apply myself too much or anything, but I will show up, which is more than I can say I did in the past. I have to stay really sharp because like it or not, Phoebe is going to be growing up, and I have to be around to make sure she doesn’t go out with any phonies, although I’ve found most phonies are just covering up for something else, like not being sure of themselves or something. Sure there are a lot of things about growing up that aren’t too hot, but if I never grew up I wouldn’t know D.B. the way I do now or know why Jane keeps her kings in the back row. There are actually a lot of things about being a kid that aren’t too hot, either, like you don’t understand anything that’s going on around you or that’s happened in your life. You can’t erase all the fuck’s in the world so little kids won’t see. Phoebe’s always been a pretty smart kid, so there’s no stopping her from finding out. A lot of people will be disappointed to hear me say this because I got to be some kind of goddamn role model for all this madman stuff, but the truth is that all that Peter Pan nonsense about not growing up is bullshit. I’m still the same person. I’m not happy all the time or anything, but now I realize that people are pretty much always going to be people. And that’s the truth.